Not long after Christmas a female-demeaning, puerile, schoolboy-humouring, misogynistic post appeared in one of my chat groups. It was quickly called out by another member and became the catalyst for a brief unpleasant exchange which resulted in the complainant leaving the group to the cries of, “can’t take a joke”, “thought this was a lads only group” and similar parting shots.
Yes, of course, it happens that the complainant was a woman.
This happened well before the recent Sarah Everard case hit the public spotlight bringing with it a tsunami of articles, debates and often quite heated internet posts.
Because of the algorithms that is social media my news feed started to fill with relevant articles and some, as you do, I chose to take the trouble to read. I really was not expecting the rabbit hole down which I plummeted.
Here’s a typical example:
The first one, which possibly promised to be a funny story but actually turned out to be rather an enlightening read, and not in the slightest bit funny, asked, “what would you do if all men had a 9.00pm curfew?” Expecting some zany internet humour revolving around women doing things that are usually the reserve of men, farting loudly in public, shouting at strangers in the street and that sort of thing, I was thoroughly disappointed to read that all some women actually wanted to do, if there were no men around, were things like take a walk in the park, casually sit in public and watch the stars, sit hassle-free in a pub, go for a carefree jog, not be harassed, and not have to wait up worrying for everyone to text back that they got home okay after a night out.
How’s that for a really depressing read? Try as I might I could find no humour in it.
The next article I read was a piece about “things women do that men really should know.”
Well, in all of my 57 years I had never been so suddenly aware of what I now understand is called male privilege. Not for a minute had I appreciated the sheer challenge of simply being a woman and doing all the mundane things that us men do on a daily basis.
Of course, I quizzed my long-suffering wife and soon learnt that women do things very differently to men – not in the manner of men can’t fold maps and women can’t parallel park – but simply that women need to have something akin to a mental checklist to safely navigate their day whereas men just need a comb and breakfast, possibly not even a comb.
If we’re not actively on the side of ending violence against women, then that puts us automatically on the side of allowing it.
Personally, I don’t need a comb.
I run, cycle, walk, work and shop my way through life never for a minute worrying about the safest route, what I’m wearing, who I’m with, who knows where I am, what I’m carrying and where I’m going. I am totally and utterly carefree.
I’ve never once had to run with my keys between my fingers, doubling back, crossing the road or pretending to be on a telephone call.
I also never knew that others were.
I simply never realised that about 50% of the population do not have that luxury – a luxury I didn’t even know was a thing, never mind a luxurious one.
Of course, having opened this gate a crack, the fetid waters rushed through soaking me with that discomfort of simply being an ordinary man and not knowing or being aware of all this stuff. I realised that simply being a normal, gallant, chivalrous, non-threatening, ordinary male was just the tip of the iceberg, and more importantly, was not nearly enough.
It’s not just the overabundance of misogynistic males that are the problem, it turns out it’s the good guys too. The fear of sticking our heads above the parapet, of becoming a pariah within our peer group, means we all keep quiet. We allow this to happen. We allow this malignance to spread, some might even unwittingly encourage it.
Thinking back to my chat group occurrence, what’s crystal clear now is that no one did anything. We all watched the argument blossom and fade and no one called out the perpetrator. Quite the opposite in fact. He thinks he did nothing wrong. “If you don’t like it don’t watch it.” “You can’t deny it’s funny.” “I showed it to my wife and she thought it was hilarious.”
The stark reality is this. If we’re not actively on the side of ending violence against women, then that puts us automatically on the side of allowing it. If we allow it then we condone it. If we condone it, we’re part of the problem. It simply could not continue without the silent complicity of the majority.
I know that I was part of that silent, complicit majority and that doesn’t sit very comfortably at all.
Even more worrying, someone I know got ejected from a local triathlon club for having the temerity to debate this very issue, to turn the spotlight on the nice guys, the ones cowering behind the wall, to ask them, “what are you going to do about it?”
Their response, as it turns out, “we’d like fewer women in the club.”
Abuse of women by men isn’t just a woman’s problem. This is everyone’s problem – man, woman and child – this is time for us to come together to make collective change. #WEWILL will focus on changing behaviour and attitudes towards women and initially promote & support positive actions that men and women can both take, via pledges, to add up to widespread societal and cultural change.
womensrunning.co.uk
The #WEWILL campaign launched in 2021 focuses on the positive actions men and women can take to enable women to run free from fear, to be safe, and to feel safe in every part of their lives.
It is time that women weren’t the ones having to change their behaviour.
Of course, the campaign doesn’t limit itself to just running – I’m sure you knew that.
Footnote
Do any of these seem familiar?
Q: Why haven’t they sent any women to the moon? A: Because it doesn’t need cleaning yet.
Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men? A: So they can stand closer to the sink.
if so…
The Reluctant Wanderer... 