Yesterday I became lost for words.

It’s not very often that I can say that but here we are. So lost for words in fact that I’ve written some words in the hope of clarifying those that were lost.

I’m sure you’re all aware of Facebook targeted marketing. If you’re not, it goes something like this.

You’re lying in bed and you happen to mention out loud how much you like the feel of cashmere on your skin then lo and behold, the next day Facebook keeps showing you adverts for cashmere garments, goats and Led Zeppelin memorabilia.  Alternately, you search Ebay for a ‘thing’ and then Facebook is full of adverts for those very ‘things’ plus of course the inevitable discreet catheters and affordable funeral plans!

Anyway, there on my feed the other day was a targeted advert from Wolf & Badger, purveyors of fabulously expensive, ethically sourced, posh stuff for the incredibly heavy of wallet. Casually glancing at a product review, “I bought these for a safari I’m going on in 2022. The colours are perfect and the quality is exceptional” told me pretty much all I needed to know about the company and its target customers. Why I was targeted I don’t know, they don’t sell bicycles or electric guitars.

Now I’m used to targeted marketing and, following successful therapy even the adverts from Wish don’t scare me that much although the wispy Wolf & Badger mesh bralette for £144 was somewhat horrific. Not the garment of course, just the scary price.

For a few days I got quite used to seeing this Rolls-Royce of barely-visible unmentionables passing by as I scrolled aimlessly down the screen, but, as fate would have it, on one day my scrolling paused with the advert still visible on the screen. Now it turns out that it wasn’t just a picture of an almost invisible bra with a fabulous price tag, it was a collection of pictures of an invisible bra with a fabulous price tag, a moving montage as it were. So, the pictures went through their sequence, a bra, a model wearing the bra, a model wearing the bra with matching panti… “sweet mother of Jesus!” “What on earth is THAT?” They do say a picture is worth a thousand words and here is that picture.

To be fair, I don’t think a thousand words would cover it. Some things just can’t be unseen and now I was thoroughly off balance and I had so many fresh questions. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest – my skin had become oddly clammy. With a growing sense of apprehension, I clicked through to the Wolf & Badger website not only to satisfy my curiosity but, let’s be frank here, to try and find an answer to a massive lingerie question that now needed answering.

So, I’m on the Wolf & Badger website looking at a “mesh thong with shearling”. It’s worth mentioning that at this point I still thought a Shearling was a native British bird. Somewhere in the back of my mind I can picture a coastal setting, a gale and David Attenborough calmly narrating the lonely voyage of the Shearlings back to their regular breeding grounds on the cliffs or dunes somewhere north of Bridlington.

The website however still wasn’t providing much by way of clarity, this “soft and comfortable thong features a detachable shearling landing strip. The shearling is made from leftover factory materials helping to eliminate manufacturing waste.”

Ok, so I’m starting to think that I might have been a trifle confused about what a Shearling is but what on earth is a detachable “landing strip” and why would a woman want one on her pants, detachable or otherwise? It’s not as though my wife has a drawer full of them or we’re constantly finding them caught in the fluff filter of the tumble dryer. To be honest, until yesterday shearling and landing strip were pretty much closed books to me. To be truthful in my 56 years the only landing strip I’ve ever had to deal with is from behind the controls of a Scottish Aviation Bulldog and they were neither soft or detachable!

Well, I’m sure you know what’s coming next. I opened up Google, typed in, “panties landing strip” and was instantly grateful that I wasn’t in the office or on a crowded train. It was all I could do to delete my search history…

Through simple observation I’m now quite aware (in an Alan Partridge accent) that an adventurous lady might, given the desire or some hearty encouragement, trim, pluck or wax her pubic hair into an amusing shape that can be referred to as a ‘landing strip’, however, this goes no way to explaining why Wolf & Badger are selling pants that feature one that is both external and detachable.

Assuming that its purpose relies on it being attached I am at a complete loss to explain its function. I did briefly consider that its purpose may be elsewhere whilst detached and thus it is merely stored on the mons pubis for safe-keeping prior to rapid deployment, however, try as I might I couldn’t help thinking that a simple pocket or handbag would be a far more suitable and accessible storage location.

So, assuming that its primary function relies on it being in the attached position it is fair to say that beneath a dress, skirt or trousers it is a rather pointless and somewhat inconspicuous embellishment. Beneath yoga pants or leggings it becomes a bizarre, and weirdly confusing, if not downright mysterious bulge.

I’m also well aware that sexy lingerie is, and I might go out on a limb here, more often than not worn not for the wearer’s comfort but for a third party’s titillation.
That being the case, other than for a small number of perverts, where is the thrill of finding a dead mouse strapped to the front of your partner’s pants? Can any eager, inexperienced fumblings in the dark be greatly enhanced by discovering the corpse of a tiny rodent just when a goal was nearly accomplished?

Lastly, if for whatever reason it was decided that a designer merkin might be an avenue worth exploring, would it not be considered more usual, and less alarming, to find it on the inside of the undergarments?
I can’t deny this whole thing still remains something of a mystery and until I can find a better answer my engineering mind will resign itself to regarding it as a simple spacer to prevent excessive pant friction during taxi hailing.

If anyone has an answer then please let me know?