As many of you know, I play in a Blues Rock Band and sometimes sing the Blues. Many people don’t know what ‘that’ is, so, here are some very fundamental, gratuitously stolen, rules about the Blues.

1. Most blues begin with: “woke up this mornin’ “

2. “I got a good woman” is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like: “I got a good woman with the meanest face in town”

3. The blues is simple, after you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes, like: “Got a good woman with the meanest face in town, yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town, got teeth like Esther Rantzen and she weigh ’bout 500 pound”

4. The blues is not about choice: you stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch…ain’t no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken down trucks. The blues don’t travel in Volvos, BMWs or sport utility vehicles. Most blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft or state-sponsored motor pools ain’t even in the running. Walking plays a major part in the blues lifestyle, so does ‘fixin’ to die’. Good grammar has no place in the blues: “I’m not going to care very much” needs to be, “ ain’t gonna give a damn”.

6. Teenagers can’t sing the blues. They ain’t fixin’ to die yet. Adults sing the blues. Adulthood means being old enough to get the electric chair for shooting a man in Memphis

7. Blues can take place in New York City, but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St Louis, Kansas City, Memphis, and Nawlins are still the best places to have the blues. Oh, another thing – you can’t have the blues in any place that don’t get no rain. (note the inclusion of the superfluous no)

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain’t the blues. Now, a woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg ’cause you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg ’cause a alligator be chompin’ on it is.

9. You can’t have no blues in an office or shopping mall, the lighting is wrong. You have to go outside to the parking lot or sit by a dumpster

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

11. Bad places for the Blues:
a. Nando’s
b. Gallery openings
c. Zoom meetings
d. Golf courses

12. No one will believe you have the blues if you’re wearing a suit, unless you are an old person and, maybe, you’ve slept in it.

13. When do you have the right to sing the blues:
a. if your baby’s left you
b. you’re blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can’t be satisfied

14. You can’t really sing the blues if:
a. you have all of your teeth
b. you once were blind, but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a trust fund

15. If you ask for water and your darlin’ gives you gasoline then it’s the blues. Other acceptable blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whisky or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee

16. The following are not blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Appletize
d. Slim Fast

17. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s a blues death. Stabbed in the neck by a jealous lover is another blues way to die, so is the electric chair, substance abuse or dyin’ lonely. You can’t have a blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction

18. Some good blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumplin’

19. Good blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

20. People with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, Heather, Jonathan, and Charles can’t sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis