- Set a quit date. Not too soon mind. Make it far enough away to seem like you’ve done something then start stressing as it approaches and then push it back a week or two. Try to set a date when you’ll be really happy and relaxed.
- Assess your smoking habit. Will you be needing a few nicotine patches or a bargain bumper tub. Can you get some off EBay or a friend? Those inhalators look flippin’ brilliant, how much are they?
- On your quit day throw away everything that reminds you of smoking. Clean and deodorize the house, the car and any pets from top to bottom. Smoking is now history. Try to keep busy and don’t think about smoking. Cleaning the house is good it’ll take your mind off things. If you can’t clean the house because you work full time throw yourself into your work with a passion. Your boss will appreciate it. Don’t think about smoking any more.
- Tell the world that you’ve stopped and ask them for their undying support. Post widely and wildly on Facebook, Twitter and as many internet forums as you can. Make sure there’s press coverage of your one and only attempt to quit smoking. If you can make it into the local paper all the better. If everyone knows you’ve quit you can’t possibly start again.
- Stock up on nicotine patches or gum or inhalators regardless because you’re going to need them, loads of them. Steal them from ASDA if necessary.
- Stop drinking and stop going to the pub. In fact stop going out altogether as it will simply introduce you to other people enjoying tobacco and might persuade you to start smoking again. It is crucial that you don’t go on holiday. Most people who fail in their quits do so on a beach surrounded by sun and cheap booze. (Note, this note is pre-Brexit)
- Don’t eat more food as you’ll put on loads of weight. In fact, now you’re giving up something you really love and that you are going to miss terribly, why not start that diet too and join that gym you’ve always fancied. In for a penny and all that.
- Brace yourself, this is going to be awful. Really, really awful. Do you really know what you’re taking on here.???
- OK, but only if you’re sure. Look, we’ve invented a ‘Quit Kit’ It’s a CD with all this stuff on it and there’s a little groovy calculator to tell you how much money and life you’ve saved. We’ve also thrown in a dog toy or are they worry beads? Whatever, they’re yours. Enjoy!
- Still not quit? You need to start vaping. It’s smoking but now digitized and usually smelling of strawberries. You can tell everyone you’ve quit even though you haven’t and that’s close enough isn’t it?
The Reluctant Wanderer... 